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PM-icon-101 This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Ricksy Business." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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This article is a transcript of the Rick and Morty episode "Ricksy Business" from season 1, which aired on April 14, 2014.

Transcript

  • Bye, mom! Bye, dad!
  • Drive carefully!
  • Have fun, you two.
  • Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our...
  • Titanic -themed getaway.
  • Let's lose the 'tude, please.
  • It's supposed to be romantic.
  • Speaking of disasters, dad, we are leaving you in charge, here.
  • I know, c-can we wrap this up?
  • Morty and I have some synthetic laser eels oxidizing in the garage.
  • Hey, don't blow me off.
  • I am drawing a line, okay?
  • Any damage to this house or these children when we get back, and... no more adventures with Morty.
  • Aw, geez, Rick.
  • If my mom's the one who's saying it, then you know it's pretty serious this time.
  • That's right.
  • Wait. What?
  • Listen, you have my word as a caregiver, everything's gonna be fine.
  • And if not, like you say, no more adventures or whatever.
  • It's like that old song "blomp blomp-a noop noop a-noop noop noop".
  • You guys know that song?
  • From tiny rogerts?
  • You never heard of it?
  • You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s?
  • No-nobody?
  • A-all right, whatever.
  • Look, who cares?
  • Just go on your stupid trip.
  • Not one thing out of place.
  • Not a single thing.
  • Well, we're past the point of no return.
  • I'm going to have a party.
  • I found jello.
  • Can you sneak your mom's vodka?
  • Yes, she does.
  • I saw it in your laundry room.
  • Listen, you can't both be in denial about it.
  • Okay, bye.
  • Summer, you can't throw a party!
  • Remember what mom said?
  • Yeah, if anything gets messed up, you and grandpa Rick get punished.
  • I'm only a human being, Morty.
  • Rick, tell summer she can't have a party!
  • Uh, summer, you can't have a party.
  • Because I'm having a party, b-I-I-I-itch!
  • Oh, what?!
  • Rick, you can't!
  • What do you mean you're having a party?
  • Are some glip glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something?
  • "Glip glop?"
  • You're lucky a traflorkian doesn't hear you say that.
  • Is that like their n-word?
  • It's like the n-word and the c-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.
  • Listen, I think the three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- screw that.
  • This is my chance to gain some footing with the cool kids.
  • That's why you party?
  • Boy, you really are 17.
  • Why do you party?
  • To get wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!
  • Just keep your Sci-Fi friends away from my awesome ones.
  • Yeah, and you keep your awesome friends away from my canapes.
  • After dinner, Titanic 2 will attach to the rail system near our replica iceberg, and the hydraulics encased in these tubes will execute a controlled sink into the icy depths.
  • A rail system seems archaic for an attraction this impressive.
  • Are you sure the ship will sink?
  • I can assure you the ship will sink, as it has a thousand times before.
  • It is un-unsinkable.
  • Ooh!
  • Look, it's the line for the bow!
  • Jerry, I'd love to just kick back with a Margarita and read.
  • Do you mind if I skip the whole "king of the world" bit?
  • Well, it's not the "king of the world" bit.
  • That's Jack and fabrizio.
  • This is where rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever.
  • I can be the only one to do it alone.
  • Well, what about her?
  • Excuse me, ma'am.
  • Would you like to take my place in line?
  • I, uh -- I could get into trouble.
  • We won't tell.
  • So...
  • You're a Titanic fanatic?
  • Oh, yes.
  • I've worked here since it opened, but I've never been able to participate.
  • Happy to help... rose.
  • I love watching bukkake.
  • I mean, like, I don't know if I personally would ever do it...
  • Brad! Hey!
  • Yo.
  • Brad is here!
  • Quick, make my hair look drunk.
  • Check it out.
  • Tammy's already drunk.
  • Cool.
  • The beacon was activated.
  • Who is in danger?
  • Ugh! Grandpa!
  • Birdperson!
  • I am pleased there is no emergency.
  • Oh, there's an emergency, all right.
  • A emergency!
  • When's the last time you got laid, 'pers?
  • It has been a... challenging mating season for birdperson.
  • Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, playah.
  • Go have some fun out there birdp-- bird-- birdperson.
  • Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick?
  • Uh... people?
  • Mm, six.
  • Yo! What up, my glip glops?!
  • Oh, man!
  • Oh!
  • Y-y-you know there's a garbage, right?
  • Hey, uh, what the hell?!
  • Ooh. That's why you never invite a floopy doop and a shmoopy doop to the same party.
  • Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting!
  • You guys are in my parents' bed!
  • Oh. Sorry.
  • I'm not feeling too well.
  • I just needed to lie down for a bit.
  • Oh. Okay.
  • S-s-sorry.
  • Oh, my God!
  • Are you kidding me?!
  • The thing people don't realize about the Gear Wars is that it was never really about the gears at all.
  • Uh-huh. Yeah.
  • No, no, to-totally.
  • Rick, you got to stop --
  • Morty!
  • Have you met gearhead?
  • Hey, how's --
  • Morty here, he -- he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars.
  • How familiar are you with the Gear Wars, exactly?
  • Uh... Not at all.
  • Oh, boy.
  • I envy you.
  • Okay, it was about 754 years ago...
  • Oh, hey, Morty!
  • H-have you -- have you met my buddy scropon?
  • Not again, Rick.
  • That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know?
  • And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed!
  • Whoa, Morty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed.
  • Have a little perspective.
  • Hey, Rick, squanchy party, bro!
  • Aw! Squanchy!
  • Is there a good place for me to squanch around here?
  • Squanchy, you can squanch wherever you want, man.
  • Mi casa es su casa, dawg!
  • All right!
  • I like your squanch!
  • Uh, Rick, what exactly is "squanching"?
  • Morty, listen -- we've had a lot of really cool adventures over the last year, but it's time to relax.
  • Yeah, if I relax now, there might not even be any more adventures!
  • Jesus, Morty, you're bumming me out.
  • Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves, and then worry about all this later?
  • Yeah, that's easy for you to say, Rick.
  • You know, you like not caring about stuff.
  • You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?
  • For me?
  • Jessica.
  • Knock it off, slow mobius!
  • Ha ha! Sorry, dude!
  • I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!
  • I can't believe she's here.
  • Well, what are you doing standing here, Morty?
  • Go. Talk to her.
  • Tonight, the only adventure you're on is your cusping manhood.
  • Oh, Rose.
  • Whee!
  • Is that what I think it is?
  • Yes, every couple gets to re-create Jack's drowning at the end of the movie.
  • It's so romantic.
  • I can't wait to do that with Beth.
  • I don't know, Jerry.
  • With all due respect, it seems like your wife may not be that interested.
  • Look!
  • Iceberg, right ahead!
  • The buffet is now closed.
  • Iceberg, right ahead!
  • The buffet is now closed.
  • Uh, sir?
  • There's not a problem.
  • What do you mean there's not a problem?
  • The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course.
  • This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg!
  • Well, do something!
  • Steer into it!
  • I'm trying!
  • It's too late.
  • Ladies and gentlemen...
  • Don't brace yourselves.
  • No! No!
  • What happened?!
  • Their rail system must have failed.
  • Oh, my God!
  • We're not gonna sink!
  • Totally gonna get laid tonight.
  • I like your feathers.
  • They are designed to attract the attention of the female.
  • It's working.
  • Tammy, I should let you know I just got out of a highly intense soul bond with my previous spirit mate.
  • I'm not looking to get into a soul bond.
  • I'm just looking for...
  • I believe birdperson can arrange that.
  • Hey, Summer, haven't seen you at flute practice in a while.
  • Summer, don't tell me you're friends with her.
  • Are you kidding me?
  • I don't even know what she's doing here.
  • Whoa. Not cool, summer.
  • This is a party.
  • Everybody should be welcome.
  • Oh, great.
  • Who invited Abradolph Lincoler?
  • I thought everyone was welcome.
  • It's not the same, Summer.
  • Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln.
  • Turns out it just adds up to a lame, weird loser.
  • Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being.
  • But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from your wretched body!
  • Whoa. What's up, man?
  • I have no quarrel with you, boy.
  • "Boy"?
  • What's that supposed to mean?
  • It's just -- l-look, I-I don't know how you thought I meant it, but...
  • Don't look at me, dude.
  • Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so --
  • So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?!
  • Well, no, but...
  • You know?
  • What do I know?
  • That the third reich will reign for a thousand years?
  • Leave him alone, Brad.
  • Stay out of this, Jessica!
  • Kick his ass, Brad!
  • Kick his ass!
  • Kick his ass!
  • Kick his ass!
  • Brad!
  • Rick!
  • I just did you a favor, Morty.
  • Sorry about all that.
  • Rick has some really strange friends.
  • Ugh! Brad is such a jerk.
  • He's always trying to prove what a man he is.
  • I just want to find somebody nice and sweet.
  • Jessica, can I show you something?
  • Wow! Look at all this stuff.
  • Yeah.
  • This is me and my grandpa Rick's Sci-Fi workshop.
  • Check this out.
  • It's beautiful.
  • You know, Jessica, there's something I've always wanted to tell you.
  • What's that, Morty?
  • I think that you're the most --
  • No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there.
  • Oh, my God!
  • Aah!
  • Hey, I'm squanching in here!
  • Oh, my God!
  • Oh, that is so disgusting!
  • Ow! Oh! Oh, crap!
  • Huh.
  • Big star in the sky.
  • Oxygen-rich atmosphere.
  • Giant testicle monsters.
  • We'll be fine! Let's party!
  • ♪ Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got ♪
  • I swear to God, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there, I would be so furious with you right now.
  • Oh, man.
  • Y-you hear that, Morty?
  • You really lucked out with Summer o-on that one.
  • How are you guys not freaking out right now?!
  • T-the whole house is sitting in another dimension!
  • I-I mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?!
  • M-m-mom and dad are gonna kill us!
  • I'm losing it here, Rick!
  • Relax, Morty, relax!
  • It's gonna be fine.
  • All we have to do is go out and find us some kalaxian crystals.
  • Oh, sh1t, mother [beep]!
  • Kalaxian crystals, Morty, just a few miles South of here.
  • Okay. Let's go, then.
  • W-w-we got to go get those crystals right now, Rick.
  • Whoa, whoa, whoa.
  • Morty, Morty, I-I can't go with you.
  • I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know?
  • I mean, who knows what -- what if somebody breaks something?
  • Yeah. Me too.
  • I should stay.
  • You guys have any aspirin?
  • Oh, hey, Morty, this is perfect!
  • You can take Lincoler with you.
  • Hey, man, I'm not going anywhere.
  • I'm injured.
  • Shut up, Lincoler.
  • It's the least you can do for wrecking the living room.
  • Yeah!
  • And, Nancy, you should go, too.
  • What? Why -- why me?
  • Because, uh, you're -- you're so good at playing the flute.
  • Sorry for the inconvenience, folks.
  • We should resume sinking shortly.
  • In the meantime, please, stay on the ship and enjoy a complimentary plate of James Cameronion rings.
  • Great. Not only is the ship not sinking, but now the fourth wall has been broken.
  • I am gonna go back to the room to finish my book.
  • You should find that Lucy woman.
  • But -- but --
  • You see, Jerry?
  • May I show you something?
  • Had everything gone as planned, this entire area would be underwater.
  • I would have liked to see it.
  • This trip has been a "Titanic" failure.
  • Get it?
  • Ooh!
  • Draw me, Jerry.
  • Oh, boy.
  • Lucy, wow.
  • Uh, this isn't what I had in mind.
  • But it's the perfect moment.
  • We've been dreaming about this for 16 years.
  • Um, not like this.
  • Not -- not with you.
  • You are gonna draw me.
  • Aah!
  • Then you're going to [beep] me in that car over there.
  • It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal.
  • But, at the same time --
  • Okay!
  • Um, the crystals should be really close.
  • There they are!
  • Wait. Something's not right.
  • Get the crystals!
  • I'll handle the beast!
  • Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes!
  • Summer's gonna like me again.
  • Lincoler, come on!
  • Let's get out of here!
  • Mein journey is over, Morty.
  • I have something important to tell you.
  • ♪ And the gears, they turned for a thousand years ♪
  • ♪ until the dark day that they stopped ♪
  • Rick, I got them!
  • I got the crystals!
  • All right!
  • You did it, Morty.
  • Rick, wait!
  • There's something you need to know.
  • I couldn't have done it without Lincoler.
  • He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father.
  • He only wanted you to accept him, and he hopes that his final act would redeem him in your eyes.
  • He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick.
  • He died.
  • Well, at least he didn't die in vain.
  • He got these crystals.
  • And these babies just saved this lame-ass party!
  • Wubba, lubba, dub, dub!
  • Play something.
  • Somebody, play something.
  • Wait a minute. What?
  • ♪ Put your right foot forward ♪
  • ♪ and your left foot back ♪

♪ then slide around ♪ ♪ like on a nordictrack ♪ ♪ move to the left ♪ ♪ step to the right ♪ ♪ wiggle your elbows, and look ♪ ♪ up into the light ♪ ♪ it's the, it's the ♪ ♪ it's the Rick dance ♪ ♪ it's the, it's the ♪ ♪ it's the Rick dance ♪

  • Slow mobius, hit me with the clock beam!
  • ♪ It's the, it's the ♪
  • ♪ it's the Rick dance ♪
  • That's the Rick dance!
  • All right!
  • Whoa, man!
  • What the hell was that?!
  • I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!
  • What? No, no, no.
  • I can get us home whenever I want to.
  • But, listen, speaking of those crystals, can I get the rest of them?
  • I'm starting to come down, Morty.
  • Crystal kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high.
  • That's what I think of your crystals, Rick!
  • Oh, Morty, you idiot!
  • Does anybody else have any more k-lax?
  • B-birdperson?
  • Uh, squanchy?
  • Don't squaunch at me.
  • All right, everybody, party is officially over!
  • Rick, take us home now.
  • All right, all right, fine, Morty, you party pooper buzzkill!
  • Boo, boo! Morty sucks!
  • Boo! You suck, whatever your name is.
  • Boo!
  • Morty, you're the worst, Morty.
  • But these gears just started turnin'.
  • Almost finished, Jerry?
  • Uh, almost.
  • I haven't quite captured your beautiful eyes.
  • I'm sure it's good enough.
  • Move!
  • Every weekend, Jacks and Roses have their Titanic experience in this car, and I have to mop it up.
  • The floor drops out to make it easier.
  • But now it's my turn.
  • We're going to get it nice and steamy in there, and I'm going to slam my hand on the steam and leave a nice handprint, and then you're going to love inside of me.
  • No mess. No clean.
  • Beth!
  • Bet you're glad I think kindles are dumb now.
  • I can't help but feel a little guilty.
  • I didn't peg Lucy for a rapist.
  • What does a rapist look like exactly, Beth?
  • Is it a slavic man wearing a denim jacket with a patchy beard and the scent of cheap champagne wafting over his blister-pocked lips?
  • What?
  • Well, at least you got all this free stuff.
  • Should be enough to satisfy your Titanic Jones for a while.
  • I'm not going to fit.
  • Beth, listen to me.
  • You're going to get out of here.
  • You're gonna go on, and --
  • Jerry, just leave the door.
  • It's not a door, Beth.
  • It's debris.
  • I don't care.
  • Just leave it.
  • Yeah. Okay.
  • "Cape fear"!
  • "Cape fear"!
  • I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "cape fear".
  • Hey, squanchers!
  • The party's squanching on at my place!
  • Cool.
  • I'm coming, too.
  • Uh, no.
  • You're not squanchy enough for a squanchy party.
  • What?
  • Nancy told us what a bitch you are.
  • Guys, seriously.
  • Nancy?
  • Summer, you're a bad person.
  • All you care about is having popular people like you.
  • That's not what Abradolph Lincoler stood for.
  • Well, I-it was hard to pin down what he stood for, but it's certainly not what he died for.
  • Next time I party, I'm just gonna focus on getting totally wrecked.
  • You're so wise.
  • May I assist you with that?
  • Uh, sure, yeah.
  • Thanks.
  • Morty, do you know what "wubba lubba dub dub" means?
  • Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase.
  • It's not nonsense at all.
  • In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain.
  • Please help me."
  • Well, I got news for you.
  • He's saying it ironically.
  • No, Morty.
  • Your grandfather is, indeed, in very deep pain.
  • That is why he must numb himself.
  • Come on, um...
  • Birdperson.
  • Come on, birdperson.
  • Rick's not that complicated.
  • He's just a huge asshole.
  • Then why do you care so much if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures together?
  • It appears fate has presented you with an opportunity to free yourself of Rick forever.
  • You know what? You're right.
  • I shouldn't even care.
  • This is probably the best thing that could have happened to me.
  • I'm sick of having adventures with Rick.
  • My people have another saying--
  • "gubba nub nub doo rah kah".
  • It means, "whatever lets you sleep at night".
  • Guys, mom and dad are, like, right around the corner.
  • This is your moment, Morty.
  • Choose wisely.
  • Tammy!
  • Caw!
  • Wow.
  • We are so screwed.
  • Rick, wake up.
  • Huh? What? Wait? What?
  • What? Stop.
  • Rick, you got to do something quick.
  • My parents are home.
  • Uh, all -- all right.
  • All right. Hold -- hold on.
  • Ahh! So good.
  • Oh, my God.
  • They're walking up the driveway.
  • Bring me the thing.
  • What -- what thing?
  • The thing. The thing.
  • The -- the -- it's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it.
  • It -- it -- it beeps.
  • Rick!
  • That describes everything in your garage!
  • Do you mean this?
  • Summer for for the win.
  • All right, that should do it.
  • Whoa!
  • What did you do?
  • Uh, s-see for yourself.
  • Whoa!
  • Yeah, e-everything's frozen in time.
  • Yeah, and slow mobius thinks he's all that.
  • For how long?
  • I don't know.
  • How long do you guys want?
  • A week? A month?
  • Can we start cleaning the house and see how we feel?
  • Worst movie ever.
  • Dumb.
  • Ooh, boy, what a waste of time.
  • Get it?
  • You know, 'cause it's frozen.
  • This has been so much fun.
  • Hey, Rick.
  • You know, this whole time, I haven't once heard you say that "wubba lubba dub dub" thing that you usually say.
  • Don't need to.
  • I have a new catchphrase.
  • Oh, yeah?
  • What -- what's that, Rick?
  • I love my grandkids.
  • Aww.
  • Psych!
  • Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a [beep]".
  • ♪ Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got ♪
  • ♪ just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got ♪
  • Roll credits!
  • ♪ Just shake that a--
  • Roll the credits! Go!
  • ♪ Just shake that ass That's the end of season one!
  • That's the end, mother [beep]!
  • "I don't give a [beep]" is my new catchphrase!
  • [Beep] you!
  • That's season one! Boom!
  • Season one up in your face, mother [beep]!
  • Yeah!
  • Revenge.
  • What?!
  • Party!
  • Whoo, baby!
  • Please, stop!
  • Hey, brah!
  • I don't understand.
  • Are you enjoying this?
  • Do you like this?
  • Yeah, you know it, dawg!
  • Whoo, baby!

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Seasons
Season 1 PilotLawnmower DogAnatomy ParkM. Night Shaym-Aliens!Meeseeks and DestroyRick Potion #9Raising GazorpazorpRixty MinutesSomething Ricked This Way ComesClose Rick-Counters of the Rick KindRicksy Business
Season 2 A Rickle in TimeMortynight RunAuto Erotic AssimilationTotal RickallGet SchwiftyThe Ricks Must Be CrazyBig Trouble In Little SanchezInterdimensional Cable 2: Tempting FateLook Who's Purging NowThe Wedding Squanchers
Season 3 The Rickshank RickdemptionRickmancing the StonePickle RickVindicators 3: The Return of WorldenderThe Whirly Dirly ConspiracyRest and RicklaxationThe Ricklantis MixupMorty's Mind BlowersThe ABC's of BethThe Rickchurian Mortydate

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