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PM-icon-101 This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Rixty Minutes." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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This article is a transcript of the Rick and Morty episode Rixty Minutes from Season 1, which aired on March 17, 2014.

Transcript

Int. Smith Residence. The Smith Family and Rick are sitting in the living room watching TV.

Bachelor (on TV): Cynthia...

Jerry: Oh, my God! No, no..!

Summer: I told you!

Beth: Hold on.

Bachelor (on TV): Will you please... NOT marry me-- I choose Veronica.

Summer: What?

Jerry: Yes!

Beth: Called it.

Summer: Why would he choose Veronica?

Jerry: Because he loves her?

Rick: Well if it's any consolation, Summer, none of it mattered, and the entire show is stupid.

Jerry: Okay, I've got an idea, Rick: you show us your concept of "good TV", and we'll crap all over that.

Rick : [stands, walking to the TV] I thought you'd never ask.

[disconnects and drops cable box, which breaks upon impact to the floor]

Jerry: Hey!

Morty: Oh, cool! Is that crystallized Zanthonite? It conducts electrons across dimensions.

Rick: [working on the cable box] 20% accurate, as usual, [snatching the remote from Morty] Morty. [reconnecting the cable box as the TV buffers] The important thing being I just upgraded our cable package with programming from every conceivable reality.

Jerry: Wait, does that mean we get Showtime Extreme?

Rick: How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn? [turns on TV]

Corn Man 1 (on TV): We're not so different. We're both corn of action.

Corn Man 2 (on TV): Yeah... But one of us is dead corn! [shoots Corn Man 1]

Summer: Boring.

Rick

 Summer, [belch] you just spent [belch] three months watching a man choose a fake wife.

Jerry

 So, what, It'd be better if the people were corn?

Rick

 Jerry, you don't get it. This is infinite TV, from infinite universes. Look. [changes channel]

Glenn (on TV)

 This shit is delicious.

Rick

 A movie about a guy eating shit. [changes channel, various people are fighting on TV] A violent Antiques Show... [changes channel]

Letterman (on TV)

 It's a pleasure to have you.

Jerry (on TV)

 The pleasure's all mine.

Rick

 Letterman from a time line where Jerry's famous. [changes channel]

Jerry

 Wait!

Beth

 What in the hell?

Rick

 I agree. Where's this going?

Jerry - No, the other thing! Go back!

Rick - Really? All right, fine.

Woman (on TV) - Glenn, this is a court order. It says you can't eat shit anymore.

Rick

 All right, Jerry, when you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

Int. Smith Residence. The Smith Family and Rick are sitting in the living room watching TV.

Announcer (on TV)

 Coming up next on "Shmloo's the Shmloss", Shmlony has a nightmare.

Shmlony (on TV)

 Shmlantha, Schmlona!

Rick

 Amazing. A dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Schmla".

Shmlony (on TV)

 Schmlove, Schmlandula, Schmlonathan--

Rick

 All right, that got that actually got old pretty quick.

Jerry

 [sighs] Rick, would you please go back to me on David Letterman?

Rick [flipping through the channels]

 Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel.

Beth

 Go back, go back!

Rick

 Jeez. [changes channel]

Jerry (on TV)

 You speak da tru-tru.

Summer

 Oh my God! Dad's in "Cloud Atlas"!

Jerry

 I'm in "Cloud Atlas"! What's "Cloud Atlas"?

Jerry (on TV)

 Sometimes small tru-tru different than da big tru-tru.

Beth

 How is this possible?

Rick

 Infinite time lines, infinite possibilities. Including a time line where Jerry's a movie star. Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device. Ju-- Wa-- Look at this. [changes channel]

Host in Trenchcoat (on TV)

 And now, another Quick Mystery.

Cop (on TV)

 I just want to know who could've done something like this. It's a travesty!

Killer 1 (on TV)

 I did. See this knife and all the blood on it? Here's my fingerprints.

Judge (on TV)

 Guilty! I sentence you to life in prison.

[Killer 1 is thrown in jail]

Host in Trenchcoat (on TV)

 Here's another Quick Mystery.

Man (on TV)

 My mother's dead!

Killer 2 (on TV)

 And I killed her. Here's the weapon. And cuff me, thank you very much.

Judge (on TV)

 Guilty! Sentenced to murder.

[Killer 2 is killed via electric chair]

Host in Trenchcoat (on TV)

 Here's anothe--

Killer 3 (on TV)

 I'm the killer! [puts gun in mouth, firing it once offscreen]

Host in Trenchcoat (on TV)

 Wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

Rick

 Now who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions a-a-and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate self?

Beth, Summer, and Jerry [all at once]

 Narcissism.
 The narcisstic stuff.
 I want to obsess about myself.

Rick

 [sighs] Here.

[stands, pulling an ocular device from his coat] These scan your retinas, and let you view parallel time lines through genetically matching versions of your eyes. [throws the device into the kitchen] Go fetch!

[Jerry, Summer, and Beth run to the kitchen] Beth and Summer [at the same time]

 Yes! This is so cool! 
 Ladies First!

Rick

 I'm proud of you, Morty.

Morty

 Hey man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick. Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo!

Ants-In-My-Eyes Johnson (on TV)

 I'm Ants-In-My-Eyes Johnson, Here at Ants-in-My-Eyes Johnson's Electronics. I mean, there's so many ants in my eyes! And there's so many TVs, microwaves, radios I think, I can't-- I'm not 100% sure what we have here in stock, because I can't see anything. Our prices, I hope, aren't too low! Check out this refrigerator! Only $200! What about this microwave? Only $100! That's fair! I'm Ants-in-My-Eyes Johnson! Everything's black, I can't see a thing!

[set on fire] And also I can't feel anything either-- did I mention that? But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes. So that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. I can't feel. It's a very rare disease. All my-- All my nerves, they don't allow for the sensation of touch. So I never know what's going on. Am I standing? Sitting? I don't know.

Int. Smith Residence. Jerry, Beth, and Summer are in the kitchen with the Ocular Device.

Beth

 Are we sure we want to do this? Look at our own alternate lives?

Jerry

 You're right. Maybe we should just play Yahtzee--

[grabs the device] Give me those! [turns switch]

Beth

 What do you see?

Jerry

 Whiteness... Pure whiteness.

Johnny Depp (on Device)

 You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you.

Jerry

 Whoa! I love doing cocaine with you too, Johnny Depp!

Beth

 [sighs, taking the device] Haven't we spent enough time on you?

[turns switch] I'm performing surgery... but not on a horse, on a human!

Jerry

 That's great, Beth! You always wanted to be a real surgeon.

Beth [taking off device]

 I am a real surgeon.

Jerry

 Ahh, uh-- Summer's turn! [giving Summer the device]

Summer

 Finally! I don't see anything.

Beth

 Well, you should select a different timeline, I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born-- That came out wrong, that came out very wrong.

Summer

 Fine, I'll find a world where you bothered to have me. [turns switch a few times] We're playing Yahtzee.

Beth

 Yahtzee's fun. We love Yahtzee.

Jerry

 It's a fun game for fun families! Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second?

Int. Smith Residence. Rick and Morty are sitting in the living room watching TV.

Announcer (on TV)

 It's a 45 horsepower with anti-lock brakes, and it's the official car of Mr.

Sneezy 3D. It's the brand-new Sneezy XL. The horn when you honk it makes a sneeze noise. [car sneezes] It's polite, it's right, and it's Sneezy Deezy Mc Deluxe.

Mr. Sneezy 3D (on TV)

 Oh, I'm Mr. Sneezy! Achoo!

Morty

 Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it.

Rick

 Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone. [changes channel]

Announcer (on TV)

 It's in theaters now! Coming this summer: Two brothers. In a van. And then a meteor hit. And they ran as fast as they could, from giant cat monsters. And then a giant tornado came and that's when things got knocked into 12th gear.

A Mexican armada shows up. With weapons made from Two--tomatoes. And you better bet your bottom dollar that these two brothers know how to handle business. In: Alien Invasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who Are Just Regular Brothers, Running In a van from an Asteroid and All Sorts of Things THE MOVIE! Hold on, there's more! Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie, and they're gonna come, and cross attack these two brothers. But let's get back to the brothers, because they're-- they have a strong bond. You don't want to know about it here, but I'll tell you one thing: The moon it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then? It's two brothers and--and th-they're It's called Two brothers. Two brothers! [starts laughing] It's just called Two Brothers.

Int. Smith Residence. Jerry, Beth, and Summer are in the kitchen with the Ocular Device.

Beth

 Holy crap, I am winning a Nobel Prize.

Jerry [taking the device]

 Come on! Time's up!

[turns switch] I'm taming a lion! No, wait, uhh there are film cameras. I might be a lion-tamer in a movie. [gives Summer the device] You get the idea. I work with lions.

Summer [turning switch]

 [dryly] Ooh, we're not playing Yahtzee, [shoves device into Jerry's hands] we're playing Chutes and Ladders. It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don't know, predictable?

Beth

 When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals.

Jerry

 Gimme a break! We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night.

Beth

 Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back.

Jerry

 Well now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables!

Beth

 [scoffs] What are you talking about?

Jerry

 All this time, you've been thinking, "What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?"

Summer

 Um--

Jerry

 Well now you know: you'd be a doctor. [circles finger] Whoop-dee-doo. You'd also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht-- [holds up device] banging Kristen Stewart!

Summer

 You thought about getting an abortion?

Beth

 Everyone thinks about it. Obviously, I'm the version of me that didn't do it. So you're welcome.

Jerry

 Yeah, you're welcome.

Summer

 Yeah, thank you guys so much. It's a real treat to be raised by parents that force themselves to be together instead of being happy.

Rick [walking to the cupboard]

 Hey, do we have any wafer cookies? [grabs cookie box. eats cooke and starts walking away] Mm! [stops and looks back at Jerry, Summer and Beth] Oh, boy. Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Morty are having a blast, We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers". I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse. [eats another cookie, walking offscreen]

Int. Smith Residence. Rick and Morty are sitting in the living room watching TV.

Rick

 I'm in heaven right now. [eating wafer cookies]

Morty

 This might be the best day of my life.

Int. Smith Residence. Jerry, Beth, and Summer are in the kitchen.

Beth

 So now what do we do?

Jerry

 That show "Ball Fondlers" sounded kind of interesting.

Summer

 Dad!

Jerry

 What? They're having fun in there! What do you guys want from me? Every family on this block has to wonder if they're together by choice. Our family just has inter-dimensional goggles to show us for a fact that we're not.

Summer

 We'll I'm leaving!

Beth

 You can't leave, you're 17!

Summer

 Yeah, and I'm not pregnant. I'm gonna have better judgment than you guys had at my age.

I'm gonna... move to the southwest and-- I don't know, do something with turquoise. [walks offscreen]

Int. Smith Residence. Rick and Morty are sitting in the living room watching TV.

[Summer storms off, passing in from of the TV]

Announcer (on TV)

 Saturday Night Live! Starring a piece of toast! Two guys, with handle-bar mustaches! A man painted silver who makes robot noises! Garmanarnar! Three s-- uh uh, uh, uh, I'll get back to that one A hole in the wall, where the men can see it all and returning, for his 25th consecutive year: Bobby Moynihan!

Rick

 Interesting fun fact, uh, Moynihan and piece of toast hate each other. Apparently they've got some real creative differences. [changes channel]

Fake Doors Salesman (on TV)

 Hey, are you tired of real doors, cluttering up your house, where you open 'em, and they actually go somewhere? [music starts] And you go in another room?

[snaps suspenders]Get on down to "Real Fake Doors"! That's us. Fill a whole room up with 'em. See? Watch, check this out! [tries opening a few doors] Won't open. Won't open. Not this one, not this one. None of 'em open! FakeDoors.com is our website, so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake doooooooors! [music fades. He walks off the set, still looking at the camera. He gets into he car and starts driving]

Morty

 Hey, wait a minute, Rick. Wh-- I thought this was a commercial. Wh-what's going on? I mean--

Rick

 Relax, Morty. Don't-don't worry about it. Let's just just see where this goes.

Fake Doors Salesman (on TV)

 [honks horn]Step on it, we all got places to be! [honks] Son of a bitch!

Morty

 See, that must be where he lives. OK...

Rick

 Huh. Making himself a sandwich now..

Fake Doors Salesman (on TV)

 [music starts back up] Hey everybody! So this is my house, I just made a sandwich, peanut butter and jelly, still here, still selling fake doors!

Morty

 What?!

Rick

 Oh, my God! It's still the commercial!

Fake Doors Salesman (on TV)

 We have fake doors like you wouldn't believe! What are you worried about? Come get fake doors. Call us up, and order some fake doors today. Don't even hesitate, Don't even worry and don't even...

Rick

 All right, I'm bored. Change it.

Morty

 Wait wait, Rick! Hold on hold on...

Fake Doors Salesman (on TV)

 ...give it a second thought. That's our slogan. See it on the bottom of the screen, below our name. Here's another slogan, right below that one. What are you worried about? Come get fake doors! Get in here quick, get out quicker, with an arm of fake doors in you arms.

Morty

 Okay, okay, you can change it.

Fake Doors Salesman (on TV)

 Don't even worry about it!

[channel changes]

Gazorpazorpfield (on TV)

 [yawns] I hate Mumunmunundsdays. And I really could go for some enchiladas.

Morty

 Hey Rick, that's pretty cool! It's just like Garfield, only instead, it's Gazorpazorpfield.

Rick

 Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where-where uh, where those Sex robots came from, remember? That whole thing?

Morty

 Yeah hey, that's pretty, pretty that's true. That's right!

Rick

 Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield!

Gazorpazorpfield (on TV)

 Hey Jon, it's me, Gazorpazorpfield. Boy, fuck you, Jon. You fucking dumb, stupid, idiot.

Jon (on TV)

 Come on, Gazorpazorpfield, go easy on me, huh?

Gazorpazorpfield (on TV)

 You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white uh, uh guilt, white guilt, milquetoast piece of human garbage.

Jon

 Jeez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's-- you know you're pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.

Gazorpazorpfield (on TV)

 I don't give a fuck! I'm Gazorpazorp-fucking-field, bitch!

[kicks coffee cup over] Now give me my fucking enchiladas!

Morty

 Hey, Rick, you know, di-did they use Bill Murray for this? Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.

Rick

 No, Morty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive.

Morty

 Oh, okay, was his name Lorenzo Music?

Rick

 Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He also did that voice of that one guy from Ghostbusters, which is really strange, because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie. But then, when they made the movie Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp-- or Garfield, I mean.

Morty

 Yeah, that's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality too?

Rick

 I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Morty. What do you think? I-I-I-I know everything about everything?

Int. Smith Residence. Jerry and Beth are in the kitchen.

Beth

 Did you really talk me out of the abortion? [drinking from a now empty winebox]

Jerry

 Well, we... we blew a tire on the way to the clinic.

Beth

 I think, in my head, I was doing it all for the kids. And now the first kid is going to... do something with turquoise.

Jerry

 Which is either code for crystal meth, or a gateway to it.

Beth

 So, we didn't do the kids any favors. So, we should stay together for each other and ourselves... or...

Jerry

 Or?

Int. Smith Residence. Rick and Morty are sitting in the living room watching TV.

Spokesman (on TV)

 Man. Woman. And now trunk man? We know science has created men that have a trunk that allows them to have sex with both male and female partners.

But we don't like the idea of these people getting married. Put a line in the sand everybody--, people! Vote no on proposition XW2.

Suspender Guy (on TV)

 The act that says that gay uh trunk people can get married. Who needs it?

Garbageman (on TV)

 Not on my watch!

Spokeman (on TV)

 Paid for by Michael Dennys and The Denny Singers.

Trunkperson (on TV)

 Hi, I'm a trunk person. And I want I-I feel love in my heart, too, just like you. I want to be able to express that love, with both a man and a woman. And I won't be able to if Denny and The Denny Singers get their way.

New Yorker (on TV)

 Hey, let the trunk people have sex and get married, huh?

Spokesman (on TV)

 Paid for by... Trunk People.

Mr. Tophat Jones (on TV)

 Oh, I love me Strawberry Smiggles! Ooh, I hope nobody ever gets my hands on me, and tries to steal my Strawberry Smiggles. I'm going to eat every last one of them, because and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody will ever be able to eat them. Except for me, because they're going to be all inside my stomach. I'm my name is Mister... Tophat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sniggy, little pig-dul smiggles. I'm keeping 'em all for me.

[eating the Strawberry Smiggles] Last bite. Oh, now they are all resting comfortably in my stomach. Ooh, am I feeling good.

[two children come onto screen, one with a knife and one with a roll of tape]

Mr. Tophat Jones (on TV)

 No! Get away from me! Get away from me and my Strawberry Smiggles! No!

[he's knocked over and bound. the girl guts his stomach open with the knife and the children process to eat the cereal from him] [screaming in agony] Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! It hurts! My entrails are out! Why would you even want to eat these? They're-they're soaked with my stomach acid! Oh, Jesus Christ! Lord and savior and spirit! Save me! Take me to the light! Oh, my God, I see Demons! I see demons are coming!

Morty

 Jeez, Rick. Oh my god! That's some pretty hardcore stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.

Rick

 Well, you know, Morty, I mean, you want to sell boxes of cereal, you gotta, you gotta, pump the gas a little. Pedal t-to the metal, Morty.

Announcer (on TV)

 In a world, where muscular mannies, are coming, and they're coming strong, there's only three unmuscular Michaels.

Unmuscular Michael 1 (on TV)

 Get down! Hurry, run!

Announcer (on TV)

 And that's when real turbulent juice is coming, and you gotta take care of it. With turbulent juice, turbulent tables. No room is safe from the turbulent power of turbulent juice.

Morty

 What in the hell?

Rick

 Sex sells, Morty.

Morty

 Sex sells what? W-was that a movie, or like, does it clean stuff? [Jerry sits down and sighs, murmuring] Hey, Dad. W-w-what's going on?

Jerry

 Oh, your mother and I are going to be spending some time apart, Morty. And your sister found out she was an unwanted pregnancy.

Morty

 W-w-w-what?

Rick

 Speaking of [belching] what, Morty, [belching] what should we [belch] watch next? What about this? [changes channel]

Police Cheif (on TV)

 Baby Legs, you're a good detective, but not good enough, because of your baby legs. So I'm partnering you up with Regular Legs.

Regular Legs (on TV)

 Hey there.

Baby Legs (on TV)

 Detective, I'm-- this is upsetting to me, because I feel like I don't need no regular-leg partner.

Police Chief (on TV)

 Baby Legs, don't talk back to me. Good luck you two, there's a criminal to kill. [sips coffee]

Regular Legs (on TV)

 Wow! You sure found this guy quick!

Baby Legs (on TV)

 Uh, yeah, because I'm a good detective.

Regular Legs (on TV) [whispering]

 Look, Baby Legs, it's the criminal!

Criminal (on TV)

 Oh, fuck it, I'm the killer. I'm running, running real quick.

Baby Legs (on TV)

 Baby Legs, here we go! [makes whirring noise with mouth] That's the sound I make, when I'm trying to run fast. [falls over] All right, I'm not going to get him. I'm, I-I just learned a real valuable lesson.

regular Legs (on TV)

 I'm coming, Baby Legs! I'm Regular Legs! [tackles the Criminal] We got him!

Baby Legs (on TV)

 Hey, that was good team work.

Police Chief (on TV) Baby Legs, and Regular Legs, I'm proud of you two for working together, and Baby Legs, I know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner. But I'm proud of you that you did it.

Baby Legs (on TV) - Hey thanks, chief!

Police Chief (on TV) Now get the fuck out of here!

Rick

 Pretty cool, huh, Morty? [Morty's gone] Oh.

Jerry

 Uh, I thought it was cool.

Rick

 I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Int. Smith Residence. Summer is in her room, packing clothes into her backpack.

Morty [walks in]

 Hey, uh Y-Y-Y-You doin' okay? [she doesn't answer] I-I-I kind of know how you feel, Summer.

Summer

 No, you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents' misery. You're just a symptom of it.

[Beat.]

Morty

 Can I show you something?

Summer

 Morty, no offense, but a drawing of me you made when you were 8 isn't gonna make make me feel like less of an accident.

Morty

 [pointing out the window] That, out there? That's my grave.

Summer

 Wait, what? [walks over to the window]

Morty

 On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole. World. So, we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a-a-and we buried ourselves, and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from my own. Rotting. corpse.

Summer

 So, you're not my brother?

Morty

 I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says, "Don't run". Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV.

Int. Smith Residence. Rick and Jerry are sitting in the living room watching TV.

Announcer (on TV)

 Mrs. Sullivan always planned to leave everything to her cats. But sometimes, plans need a helping paw. What are the kitties to do, but buckle together and work as a team.

Business Man (on TV)

 Mrs. Sullivan, I uh, please forgive me for being forward, but your eyes are so beautiful!

Jerry

 Wait, this is an actual movie?

Announcer (on TV)

 This fall, sparks will fly!

Business Man (on TV) [having sex offscreen]

 Mrs. --Ooh, Sullivan-- ohh...

Announcer (on TV)

 Between one guy, who can't get a break...

Business Man (on TV)

 There's something about you, Mrs. Sullivan.

Business Man (on TV)

 ...and 9 cats who break all the rules. Last Will and Testa-meow: Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House 2.

Jerry

 Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost their job.

Announcer (on TV)

 Written and directed by Jerry Smith.

Jerry

 I wrote and directed that? What am I, nuts?

[Rick and Morty walk in and sit down]

Rick

 Hey Morty, you just missed a preview for your Dad's "Citizen Kane".

Morty

 Doesn't matter. [winks at Summer]

Jerry

 Hey, if your, uh, mother and I had to split custody - who would you guys choose?

Summer

 Doesn't matter. [winks at Morty, giving him a fistbump]

Jerry [defeated, quietly]

 Oh...

News Anchor (on TV)

 Breaking News: Academy Award-winning actor Jerry Smith is leading police on a slow-speed pursuit after suffering an apparent breakdown.

[Rick goes to change the channel]

Jerry

 Don't even think about it.

Rick

 Come on, Je- Are you kidding me, Jerry? It's just a bunch of dumb tabloid crap.

Jerry [taking then remote]

 It's my life, and we're watching it.

Beth [sitting in the kitchen floor wearing the Ocular Device, drinking]

 [to herself] You did it, Beth. You really nailed it. You're a surgeon. A human surgeon. Yay you win. [sips wine]

Jerry

 Where the hell am I going?

Rick

 [belch] What are you asking me for Jerry? [belch] I'm sitting here [belch] trying to figure out why the cops don't just take you out. Th-- [belch] they've got a clear shot to your head. I can't believe our tax dollars pay for this.

Beth (on Device) [doorbell rings]

 [answers door] Jerry? J-Jerry Smith?

[Beth drops her wine] Jerry (on Device)

 Beth Sanchez, I have been in love with you since high school. I hate acting, I hate cocaine, I hate Kristen Stewart. I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion, and I've never stopped thinking about what might've been.

[Beth starts crying and goes to the living room. She drops the device and runs to Jerry, embracing and kissing him]

Rick [rolls his eyes and takes the remote]

 [to Morty and Summer] Hey, Ball Fondlers? Huh? Ball Fondlers?

Summer

 Yeah, I could go for some Ball Fondlers.

Morty

 Yeah, Ball Fondlers.

--After-Credit Scene-- Int. Smith Residence. The Smith Family and Rick are sitting in the living room watching TV.

Hamster News Anchor (on TV)

 Ha-ha, Hamster-in-Butt-World Weather is done, and now it's sports time, coming up.

Female Hamster (on TV)

 Oh, hello there!

Male Hamster (on TV)

 Good day to you, Miss.

Beth

 So, the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people?

Rick [tired]

 Yeah, sweetie, they-- that's where they live.

Jerry

 Well, how does that work? I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside?

Morty

 Yeah! And can they like, leave the butt, and like walk around on their own?

Rick [getting angry]

 Look, I don't know! I'm watching the-- same thing you guys are.

Summer Grandpa Rick, if they leave the butt, and the person wanders off, how would they find their butt person again?

Rick [angry]

 I don't know, Summer! I can't even hear the TV! [stands up, drawing his Portal Gun] All right, that's it. We're just gonna go there, so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day.

Jerry

 Ooh! Family vacation!

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ve Transcripts
Season 1 PilotLawnmower DogAnatomy ParkM. Night Shaym-Aliens!Meeseeks and DestroyRick Potion #9Raising GazorpazorpRixty MinutesSomething Ricked This Way ComesClose Rick-Counters of the Rick KindRicksy Business
Season 2 A Rickle in TimeMortynight RunAuto Erotic AssimilationTotal RickallGet SchwiftyThe Ricks Must Be CrazyBig Trouble In Little SanchezInterdimensional Cable 2: Tempting FateLook Who's Purging NowThe Wedding Squanchers
Season 3 The Rickshank RickdemptionRickmancing the Stone

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