[Open: Smith kitchen, int. Rick, Jerry, Beth are eating breakfast. Rick is building a robot at the table. Jerry is playing Jerry’s Game]
(Rick starts welding. The bulk of the sparks fly towards Jerry, who turns away to dodge the bulk of them. Morty enters the room)
Morty: Hey Rick, I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out?
Jerry: Well, um, traditionally science fairs are a father-son thing.
Rick: Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.
Beth: [typing on phone] Morty, I think it will be fun for you to work on a science project with your dad.
(Beth sends Morty a text saying “Your father is insecure about his intelligence” which Morty reads)
Morty: [putting away phone, clears throat] Yeah, dad, why don’t we do it together?
Jerry: Yes! You backed the right horse on this one, son! We’ll get out the crayons, brew some coffee and knock this thing out in two or three days.
[Rick finishes the robot he was working on]
Butter robot: What is my purpose?
Rick: Pass the butter.
(Butter robot passes butter)
Rick: Thank you.
Summer: Dad, I need a ride to work.
Jerry: Maybe Rick can give you a ride. I’m helping Morty with science.
Rick: I’m busy.
Summer: Doing what?
Rick: Uh, anything else?
(Summer glares at Rick. Rick glares back)
Butter robot: What is my purpose?
Rick: You pass butter.
Butter robot: Oh my god.
Rick: Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.
[Rick and Summer are in Rick’s spaceship. Rick’s driving, Summer’s in the passenger seat]
Rick: Since when did you have a job?
Summer: Since last week. It’s part time at this little vintage thrift store. My boss is this really smart eccentric old man that treats me nice and values me.
Rick: Wee-ow, can’t wait to meet this fascinating character.
Summer: Please don’t.
[Trans. Summer’s workplace, Needful Things. It’s empty except for Mr Needful, who’s arranging his wares. Mr Goldenfold enters]
Goldenfold: Oh… when did this stop being jamba juice?
Needful: I’ve just recently opened for business, Mr, um, Goldenfold.
Goldenfold: You know my name? That’s disarming.
Needful: I also know you long for female company.
Goldenfold: You know, it has been lonely since the divorce. Some voids can’t be filled with jamba juice.
Needful: This aftershave makes a man quite irresistible to women. Free of charge: one never pays here. Not with money.
Goldenfold: Nothing to read into there! Thanks!
(Goldenfold takes the aftershave and leaves. Rick and Summer enter)
Summer: Sorry I’m late, Mr. Needful. This is my grandpa Rick, he was just leaving.
Rick: (inspecting objects) Huh.
Needful: Tell me Rick, what do you desire?
Rick: Eh, I make my own stuff. So what are you, like, the devil?
Needful: What? Sorry?
Rick: I dunno, store comes out of nowhere, all the shit’s old and creepy; are you the devil? A demon? Leprechaun?
Summer: Grandpa Rick!
Rick: Hey, I’m not judging. I just like to shoot straight. I’m a man of science.
Needful: Ahah. Then perhaps you could make use of this. [picks up microscope] This microscope reveals things beyond comprehension. Hahahaha.
(The two continue laughing, each getting louder as they try to outdo each other)
Summer: Grandpa, go home and drink!
(Rick snatches the microscope from Mr. Needful and leaves)
[Trans. Int. Smith living room. Morty and Jerry are on the floor surrounded by art supplies]
Jerry: Why don’t we do a model of the solar system? That’s what my dad did with me when I was your age.
Morty: Oh. Ok.
Jerry: You know, Rick’s in his lab making cyborgs and wormholes and all that weird stuff, but this is real science! A man and his boy, making planets! Hey, how ‘bout we use a ping-pong ball for Pluto, and then Jupiter-
Morty: Uh, actually, I don’t think Pluto’s a planet.
Jerry: [laughing] Of course Pluto’s a planet, son, I learned that in the third grade.
Morty: Well, yeah, but, you know, they changed it.
Jerry: Morty, nobody changed the planets.
Morty: I just googled it. Uh, Pluto’s not a planet. They changed it in 2006.
Jerry: Yeah, I heard about that, Morty. And I disagree.
Morty: You… disagree?
Jerry: That’s right. It’s possible to disagree in science, Morty. Pluto was a planet, some committee of fancy assholes disagree, I disagreed back. Gimmie a ping-pong ball.
Morty: Um, ok, I just have to-
Jerry: Go find Rick and go for my head about Pluto?
Morty: Gee-no! Geez! I just gotta go to the bathroom! Dayum!
Jerry: Oh. [coughs] Okay good. This is gonna be fun!
[Trans. Int. garage. Rick’s building a contraption, connected to a laptop and pointing towards the microscope he got from Mr. Needful. Morty walks past to get to the bathroom, but Rick interrupts him before he can get there]
Rick: Hey, Morty, lemme ask you a question real quick. Does evil exist, and if so, can one detect and measure it?
Rick: Rhetorical question Morty. The answer is yes, you just have to be a genius.
(The machine scans the microscope. A bar on the laptop marked “IQ” drops to close to 0)
Rick: Your sister’s boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.
Morty: Ooh, oh boy Rick, I don’t think you’re allowed to say that word, you know?
Rick: Uh, Morty, I’m not disparaging the differently abled. I’m stating the fact that if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded.
Morty: Okay, yeah, but I don’t think it’s about logic, Rick. I think the word’s just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that feel like they’re doing the right thing.
Rick: Well that’s retarded.
(Jerry lifts up the garage door)
Jerry: What are you guys talking about?
Rick: Apparently nothing.
Jerry: You asked him if Pluto’s a planet, didn’t you?
Rick: It’s not.
Jerry: Shut up, Rick.
Jerry: I don’t care what anyone says. If it can be a planet, it can be a planet again. Planet. Planet planet planet.
(Jerry leaves angrily)
Rick: Stay scientific, Jerry.
[Trans. Needful Things, ext. Mr Goldenfold enters the shop, followed by several women. Shot changes to interior. Mr Needful is at the counter, Summer is dusting. Several customers are shopping]
Goldenfold: This aftershave made women want me but it also made me impotent!
Needful: A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price… for everything! Muahahahaha!
Goldenfold: (crying) Oh my god! How can I not see this coming? My lust! My greed! I deserve thi-
(Rick enters, kneels down and injects a serum into Goldenfold’s neck)
Rick: This serum should counteract the negative effects.
Goldenfold: [looking into own pants] Holy cats! Ladies, let’s get out of here.
[Goldenfold and co. leave]
Goldenfold (outside): I haven’t learned a thing!
Rick: [giving back microscope] Here. You can have this back.
Needful: You didn’t use it?
Rick: Sure I did. To develop this. It detects and catalogues all your Twilight Zone Ray Bradbury Friday the 13th of series voodoo crap magic. I thought you might want it so you didn’t accidentally sell anybody, say, [scans] a typewriter that generates best-selling murder mysteries, then makes the murders happen in real life? Oooh.
Needful: Be quiet!
Rick: Don’t you want to make sure people know what they’re getting? You’re not intentionally selling [scans] beauty cream that makes ugly ladies pretty but also makes them blind?
(A customer looking at beauty cream leaves in a hurry)
Needful: I find this all quite preposterous!
Rick: Oh, I say, good sir! Oh, harrumph, oh, oh, bobba-doppa-doopa-bo-bo. [scans animal fur scarf being tried on by customer] That’s beautiful, you know it’s going to be wearing you in three hours?
(The customer rushes out. All other customers leave too)
Needful: Do I need to call the police?
Rick: Here, you can use my phone. Don’t worry, it won’t make you deaf because I’m not a hack.
(Mr. Needful slaps the phone out of Rick’s hand. Rick slaps Mr. Needful’s hat off his head)
Summer: Hey! No! Ugh!
(The two start slapping each other. Summer’s protests punctuate the fight)
Rick: Think you’re so great?
Summer: Stop it!
(Summer gets between the two)
Summer: No! Stop! Hey, hey! Stop it right now!
(She pushes them away from each other)
Summer: Grandpa Rick, I like working here!
Rick: You work for the devil!
Summer: So what?
Rick and Needful: So what?
Summer: Yes, so what if he’s the devil, Rick? At least the devil has a job. At least he’s active in the community. What do you do? You eat our food, and make gadgets. Buh bye.
(Summer guides Rick out. On the way, Rick purposely knocks over a vase and slams the door. A ghost flies out and into the ceiling with a cackle)
Summer: I’m sorry Mr. Needful, I’ll clean that up. I don’t know what I can do about the ghost lady that came out of it, but…
Needful: It’s fine. Summer, you know your grandfather’s right. This store curses people. That’s my business.
Summer: Well, yeah, fast food gives people diabetes and clothing stores have sweatshops. Is there a company hiring teenagers that isn’t evil? This is my first job. You’ve been nice to me, Mr. Needful. You respect me.
Needful: Please, call me the devil.
Summer: I’d rather not, actually.
Needful: Yes, perhaps not during business hours.
[Trans. Smith living room. Morty’s painting planets, Jerry’s on the phone]
Jerry: I told you, I want to file a declaration that Pluto is a planet! … Well, then my son’s going to fail his science class, and when that happens, I’m suing you first! [hangs up] I think I know what the A in NASA stands for.
Morty: Dad, what’s your endgame?
Jerry: Ain’t no game, sucka.
Morty: Why don’t we just make the solar system with eight planets? It’s even easier!
Jerry: Sure, sure, and why don’t we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round? Science isn’t always easy, Morty!
(The house starts shaking. Jerry, Morty and the art supplies start flying)
Jerry and Morty: Whoa, whoa! Whoa!
Jerry: What the hell?
(The two fly through the roof. A tractor beam from an alien spacecraft has abducted them)
[Trans. City in Pluto, ext]
[Trans. Plutonian building. The spaceship lands in front of the door and a ramp appears, leading Jerry and Morty downwards. King Flippynips approaches, being carried by four other plutonians]
Flippynips: I’m King Flippynips, ruler of Pluto!
(Flippynips is let down)
Flippynips: We discovered you quite by accident during routine surveillance of your world. You really gave it to those guys at NASA!
Jerry: I was… you know… sometimes science is about conviction.
Flippynips: I’d like to introduce you to a few people that very much agree with you.
Jerry: Oh. I…
(Flippynips leads Jerry and Morty to a balcony overlooking millions of Plutonians, all cheering. Flippynips speaks into a microphone)
Flippynips: Plutonians! Jerry Smith is a scientist from Earth where he’s creating a model of our solar system! Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision!
Jerry: Pluto… is a planet.
Flippynips: Pluto’s a fucking planet, bitch!
Morty: [to himself] Oh man, this is definitely gonna go to his head.
[Trans. Needful things. Mr. Needful is at the counter, serving principal Vagina. Summer is working]
Needful: If it’s athletic prowess you desire, principal Vagina, I might-
Vagina: [taking ball] I’ll take it!
Needful: But I haven’t even-
Vagina: Thank you very very much, great store, great place, bye.
(Principal Vagina leaves)
Needful: Huh. Okay. I must say, Summer, I thought your grandfather’s outburst would have disrupted business, but this is the best weekend I’ve had since Salem!
Summer: Nice! Wholesome delight for lunch?
Needful: Is that the vegan place?
Summer: Yeah, I love their soup.
Needful: I’m kind of souped out.
(A customer enters the store)
Needful: Mrs. Tate, is it? What do you desire?
(She takes an armful of goods and makes to leave)
Needful: Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey!
Tate: Oh, is there a limit? Everything’s free, right?
Summer: Let’s just say… you don’t pay with money. [laughing]
Needful: [laughing] That was perfect.
Tate: You pay with the curses, right?
Needful: Um, I… well-
(She opens the door to leave)
Needful: But Mrs. Tate! Why do you want cursed items?
Tate: Well, I’m going to get the curses removed. At curse purge plus. You know, the guy on TV?
(She points at the TV and leaves. Rick’s on. Mr. Needful turns up the volume)
Rick (TV): Have you acquired creepy, specific old stuff from an antique or thrift store that grants you powers but fucks with you in unforeseeable ways? Bring it to Curse Purge Plus! I use science to uncurse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers! This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster! But guess what? He would have had to run until he died, making them worthless. I removed the curse, making them worth, like, I dunno, eight million dollars? See ya at the olympics. This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family. Now it does their taxes.
Baby (TV): Everything’s deductible.
Rick (TV): Don’t pay for cool stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money. You know, like how every other store in the world works? We’re located at First and Main in old town. Come on, come on down.
Needful: First… and…
Rick (TV): Wubba… lubba… dub dub!
(Mr Needful looks outside and pulls up the blind. Curse Purge Plus is opposite Needful Things. Rick’s flipping them the bird)
Rick (Outside): Wubba lubba dub dub!
Rick (TV): That’s right across the street from Needful Things, where you can get evil items for free!
Needful: Diabolical son of a mother-
(The door opens and customers rush in, looting the place)
[Trans. Pluto. Jerry’s being recorded for a talk show. Morty’s watching]
Hostess: We’re back on Good Morning Pluto, and a very good morning it is for our guest, Earth scientist Jerry Smith, who is making headlines with his bold announcement that is, what Jerry?
Jerry: Pluto is a planet.
Host: [laughing] How about that?
Hostess: Wow. I love it!
(Scroopy Noopers enters from behind Morty)
Scroopy Noopers: Morty Smith. I’m Scroopy Noopers. I’m a scientist. Can I show you something?
Morty: Uh… I’d better not.
Scroopy Noopers: [pulling out a gun] Right now.
[Trans. Plutonian mines. Scroopy Noopers takes Morty for a tour. Machines pump glowing blue rocks to the surface]
Scroopy Noopers: The centre of Pluto, Mr. Smith, is made up of a substance called plutonium. Mines like these suck Plutonium up to the cities, where corporations use it to power everything, from diamond cars to golden showers. And the more we remove, the more Pluto shrinks.
(The planet shakes)
Scroopy Noopers: There it goes again. Just shrank a little. But a few years ago, your scientists had noticed Pluto had gotten so small they couldn’t even call it a planet any more. Should have been our wake up call. But the rich plutonians won’t wake up. And they love your dad telling everyone Pluto’s a planet, because that means they can keep mining until Pluto goes from planet to asteroid to meteor, and finally, poof. [At the last word, he blows a handful of blue dust into the air]
Morty: Um… A party?
Scroopy Noopers: Is everyone in your family an idiot?
Morty: For sure me and my dad are.
Scroopy Noopers: [sigh] Well, all you have to do is get him to admit that, and you could save four billion lives.
Morty: Uh, yeah, you know, the thing is… my dad’s really insecure.
[Trans. Needful things. The store is empty except for Summer, who’s cleaning up, and Mr. Needful, who’s in the back out of view. The shelves are all empty. Summer spots a monkey paw on the floor and picks it up]
Summer: Hm, funny. Mr Needful, out of everything in the store you’ll never guess what we couldn’t get rid of!
(She opens the door to the back room and sees that Mr Needful has hung himself)
Summer: Ah! Oh my god!
(She tries to pull him down. When that fails she pushes at a desk in the corner to try and move it under him, also unsuccessfully)
Summer: Oh my god. (using monkey paw) I wish this desk was lighter!
(One of the paw’s three fingers goes down. She easily pushes the desk under Mr Needful and struggles to untie the noose)
Summer: (using monkey paw) I wish this knot was looser!
(The second finger goes down. The noose comes undone easily and she rushes over and tries to perform CPR, though she doesn’t know how)
Summer: Come on! I don’t… Augh! Wait! What am I doing? (using monkey paw) I wish I knew CPR!
(The third finger goes down. Summer performs CPR)
Summer: One, two, three! One, two, three!
(Mr Needful splutters and regains consciousness)
Needful: [coughing] Ugh, Jesus. What a waste of a monkey paw.
Summer: Mr. Needful! How could you even think of doing something so horrible?
Needful: I’m the devil. What should I do when I fail, give myself an ice-cream?
Summer: You haven’t failed.
Needful: People like Rick are making me obsolete. I mean seriously, I may be the devil but your grandpa is the devil! I just want to go back to hell where everybody thinks I’m smart and funny.
Summer: No! It’s not fair. Everyone in this town got something they wanted from you, even Rick! I was your only friend, and I get nothing?
Needful: Okay, I’ll give you one thing. Name it.
Summer: I wanna help you.
Needful: Clever twist.
Summer: I learned from the best, you old fart. Now let’s go get you hydrated.
[Trans. Curse Purge Plus, int. Customers are bringing up their items to be scanned and treated]
Rick: Looks like we’ve got… haunted boxing gloves that will make you the heavyweight champion, in 1936 and then you’ll be trapped there winning the same fight for eternity. I can take out the eternity, and the padding, and then you’ll have some time travelling mittens.
(Summer enters with a box of items)
Rick: Oh, look, it’s Rosemary’s baby! How’s business?
Summer: Here’s the last of our inventory. We’re going to file chapter 11 and do some restructuring.
Rick: Sounds like code for ‘You win, Rick!’
Summer: That was important to you, wasn’t it?
Rick: Nope, it was important to your dumb devil friend. To me this was all just a bit like when Bugs Bunny fucks with the opera singer for twenty minutes.
Summer: He tried to kill himself.
Rick: Seriously? Holy crap. Holy crap.
Summer: But you know what, grandpa Rick? He’s strong. And he’s never going to give up.
Rick: Uh huh, yeah, I don’t care.
Summer: Oh, I know. Everyone knows you don’t care.
Summer: So… have fun not caring.
Rick: I always do.
Rick: Yeah, it is good. It’s the best.
Summer: I’m sure it is. Bye.
Customer: I’m here to pick up my undead cat and child.
Rick: Yeah, uh, gimmie a sec.
Employee: These are the forms for the employee health plan.
Rick: Alright, yeah, uh, put ‘em on my… eh.
(He pours gasoline on the floor and sets it on fire)
Rick: I just got bored. Everybody out.
[Trans. Pluto. Morty and Jerry are in suits in the passenger seats of an alien car. Jerry is fussing over his appearance in a small mirror)
Jerry: Alright, just one more rally, then I promise, we’ll get back to your science project.
Morty: Dad, Pluto isn’t a planet! It’s shrinking because of corporations!
Jerry: Yeah, that’s what that anti-planet nutjob Scroopy Noopers was screaming about outside the Ministry of Moneys fundraiser. Are you telling me four billion plutonians are wrong?
Morty: You told me science wasn’t easy!
Jerry: I said science isn’t always easy, obviously that means sometimes it is easy. Let’s not debase ourselves with word games, son.
Morty: Dad, their whole planet is dying!
Jerry: Hah! You called it a planet! Checkmate.
(The car parks and Jerry gets out, to fanfare)
Jerry: What’s up, Pluto?
[Trans. Plutonian ball. Music is playing. Jerry is being treated like a celebrity. He’s approached by a plutonian woman and man]
Plutonian woman: Mr. Smith, please! Tell my friend here what you just told me, go on.
Jerry: My Very Eager Mother Just Served Us Nine Pickles, and the pickles is Pluto.
(The plutonian man does a spit take)
Plutonian man: My god! The man’s a genius!
Morty: Um, excuse me? [taps champagne glass with spoon]
Jerry: Morty, what?
Morty: Dad, what did you think about the recent report published by the Pluto Science Reader, linking plutoquakes, sinkholes and surface shrinkage to deep core plutonium drilling?
Jerry: ...Well son, what did you think when you were five, and you pooped your pants, and you threw your poopy undies out your bedroom window because you thought it was like throwing something in the garbage?
Jerry: I mean, I’m trimming the hedges and these things are just hanging there, was I supposed to think the poop bunny left them?
Morty: Good one, dad.
[Trans. Smith house, int. Rick’s home alone, looking into various rooms]
Rick: [looks into Morty’s room] Hey Morty, you wanna go on a- oh. [goes into kitchen] Hey Beth? Hello? [Goes into living room] Hey Jerry, you in here being stupid? [sighs]
(Rick eats dinner at the table alone. The butter robot deposits an entire block of butter into Rick’s dinner without being asked. Rick throws the butter away)
Rick: Thanks. Hey, y’know, I was thinking I might watch a movie…
Butter robot: I am not programmed for friendship.
Rick: Suit yourself.
[Morty lands and comes back in. Rick pretends not to be too happy about it]
Rick: Hey! [clears throat] Hey. What’s going on?
Morty: Um… listen, can you help me do this stupid science fair project?
[Trans. Pluto. Jerry is preparing for another rally with King Flippynips]
Flippynips: Jerry, you must be so excited! The Plutobell Prize is the highest honour a scientist can receive!
Jerry: I’m flattered, and humbled.
Flippynips: Ooh, I like that. Use that in your speech. Also, talk about Pluto being a planet, people like that.
Policeman: Your highness! We’ve captured Scroopy Noopers!
(Scroopy Noopers is dragged in with his hands behind his back by two policemen)
Scroopy Noopers: You animals! Animals!
Flippynips: Ooh, look whose little journey’s come to an end! Take him to Plutonimo Bay!
Scroopy Noopers: You can’t kill the truth, father!
Flippynips: I can see you’re confused. Plutonimo bay is a military prison, a sort of play on words-
Jerry: Did he call you father? Scroopy Noopers, the anti-planet nutjob is your son?
Flippynips: The young eat the old if you let them, Jerry. Pluto is a cold, cold celestial dwarf.
Jerry: It’s a what?
Flippynips: Huh? Oh- planet! Hah! Hoh, Pluto is a cold cold planet! That’s what I meant. Knock ‘em dead out there, you. [sips champagne]
[Trans. Award ceremony. Jerry is giving his acceptance speech]
Jerry: Pluto is…
(He looks down at the card, which just says “Pluto = planet.” In the crowd is a young Plutonian who strongly resembles Morty. Jerry tears up)
Jerry: [sigh] Not a planet.
Crowd: Boo! [throws things]
Jerry: Ow! It’s not a planet! Hey! It’s not a planet! I’m an idiot, and I love my son!
(Jerry is forcefully dragged away)
[Trans. N33dful.com launch meeting. Summer and Mr Needful are standing in front of a screen saying “n3”]
Needful: It’s been a long six hours, but we’ve overhauled Needful Things into the globally compliant, web 4.0 e-nomenon, n33dful.com! Spelled with 3s instead of Es.
Crowd: Woot! Yeah! Woot! Excited!
Needful: Okay, that’s it! We just got bought by Google!
(Summer hugs Mr. Needful)
Summer: Mmh! I’m so proud of you, Lucius. So… how much did we make?
Needful: Haha. ‘We.’ [pushes Summer away] This is my business! Security!
(Security comes and takes Summer away)
Summer: Ah! You’re Zuckerberging me?
Needful: I was Zuckerberging people before Zuckerberg’s balls dropped. I’m the devil, beeyotch! What what!
(He jumps on the table and plays the fiddle)
[Trans. Smith house, ext. Jerry is dropped unceremoniously on the ground. His suit is torn, he has a black eye and an injured leg]
(He flips off the spaceship and limps inside to Morty’s room. Morty’s pants are off, but his pubic area is hidden by a laptop)
Jerry: Hey Morty.
Morty: Oh! Hey dad! [closes laptop] Um… What are you doing back from Pluto so quick?
Jerry: Ah, some people just can’t handle the truth. Especially dummies like me. Morty, I’m not as smart as your grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again.
Morty: Hey, dad? Nobody’s smarter than Rick. But nobody else is my dad. You’re a genius at that.
Jerry: Wow… that’s humbling… and flattering, son. Thank you. What say we finish ourselves an 8-planet solar system?
Morty: Um… I’m just going to take this thing in and… get an A. [Holds up butter robot]
Butter robot: Butter.
Morty: You’re a genius at being my dad, dad. Quit while you’re ahead. And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I’m sitting in here, I’m 14! I got a computer in here, you know!
Jerry: Oh. I uh- I think I underst-
Morty: You know you’re really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man.
Jerry: I get it! Say no more.
Morty: I mean, one of these days, you know, you’re gonna, you’re gonna end up seeing something-
Jerry: I got it! Noted! Goodnight!
[Trans. Living room. The lights are off. Rick’s watching Ball Fondlers. Summer comes in with mascara smears down her face, as if she’s been crying. She turns on the light]
Rick: How’s your pretend grandpa doing AKA the devil?
Summer: He dumped me.
Rick: Oof, sorry.
(Summer makes her way to the couch and sits down, and wipes the mascara off her face. Rick makes room)
Summer: Did we learn a lesson here I’m not seeing?
Rick: Hm, not sure.
Summer: Maybe in a much bigger way, Mr. Needful gave us both what we really wanted? Because I was always jealous of you hanging out with Morty and you didn’t realise how much you valued my approval?
Rick: No, that’s dumb.
Summer: Nah, not satisfying.
Rick: I’ll tell you what though, if it’s satisfaction you’re after, I think I might have an idea. [whispers]
Summer: [listening] Uh huh… uh huh… uh huh totally let’s do it!
[X Gon’ Give It To Ya by DMX starts playing. Summer and Rick have a montage of them doing normal family bonding activities, such as weightlifting and doing steroids together. As the song progresses they get more buff. The music stops]
[Trans. Mr Needful giving a speech]
Needful: And that’s how I took my storefront into the forefront of the upfront! Thank you Seattle!
(The audience applauds. Summer and Rick break down the back of the stage and start beating up Mr. Needful. The audience stops applauding and someone screams)
Needful: Rick? Summer?
Rick: Stupid mother-
Summer: Stupid bitch!
Rick: Stupid motherfucker!
Summer: Get some!
Rick: How do you like that! Augh! How do you like that?
(Mr. Needful is thrown onto the ground. He has a black eye, a few bruises and seems to be injured. Rick and Summer look down at him from above)
Needful: Ugh… Why?
Summer: (lifting Mr. Needful by the neck of his shirt) Because sometimes what you really need is for someone else to pay a horrible price.
(She drops him and lifts her fist as if to punch again. Mr. Needful cowers. Summer spits on him)
[Trans. Outside a coffee shop. Rick and Summer are both drinking coffee]
Rick: We did it!
Summer: Haha, yeah bro. Yeah! Haha!
Rick: Was totally worth it! We did it, hahaha! We just pulled it off!
Summer: Yeah bro!
[Post credits scene: X Gon’ Give It To Ya starts playing. Rick and Summer beat up a nazi wearing suspenders, a schoolyard bully, a man holding a “God hates fags!” sign and a man walking his dog who yanks its collar hard when it tries to stop]
|Season 1||Pilot • Lawnmower Dog • Anatomy Park • M. Night Shaym-Aliens! • Meeseeks and Destroy • Rick Potion #9 • Raising Gazorpazorp • Rixty Minutes • Something Ricked This Way Comes • Close Rick-Counters of the Rick Kind • Ricksy Business|
|Season 2||A Rickle in Time • Mortynight Run • Auto Erotic Assimilation • Total Rickall • Get Schwifty • The Ricks Must Be Crazy • Big Trouble In Little Sanchez • Interdimensional Cable 2: Tempting Fate • Look Who's Purging Now • The Wedding Squanchers|
|Season 3||The Rickshank Rickdemption • Rickmancing the Stone|