(Smith family is eating, Jerry checks his mail)
Jerry: Steve, I just got a weird E-mail. Did you buy us airline tickets?
Uncle Steve: Aw shoot, it was supposed to be a surprise! I wanted to thank you for letting me live here all this time, so I'm treating the family to a vacation!
Beth: Steve, you're so sweet!
Morty: Thanks Uncle Steve!
Summer: Best uncle ever!
Uncle Steve: Look out world, the Smith family is goin' to Paris!
Summer:(Offscreen) Yeah! Awesome!
(Rick enters the room, and dumps some very familiar-looking rocks into the kitchen trash)
Jerry: Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash.
Rick: Well I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry. But life is made of little concessions.
Jerry: I, you know what, I-
Uncle Steve: You're gonna land on your feet Jer. Some company out there's gonna think they're lucky stars they hired my little brother.
Rick: Who the fuck are you?
Jerry: My goofy brother Steve. He's been living here almost a year now, are you losing your mind?
Uncle Steve: Hey someone's been spending too much time around glowing rocks am I right? (Everybody except Rick laughs, Rick shoots Steve in the head)
All except Rick: *unintelegable screaming*
Morty: What the hell, Rick? What the hell?
Rick: Everybody just relax for a second. There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve". That is an alien parasite.
(Uncle Steve turns back into his true form and dies)
Jerry: But I've known him my whole life!
Rick: No you haven't Jerry. These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories they use those to multiply, spread out, and take over planets. It's disgusting.
Morty: Steve wasn't real?
Rick: He's a real piece of shit! This is a big one, someone probably tracked in last week on the bottom of their shoe or on a piece of alien fruit.
Rick: Get off the high road Summer, we all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.
Morty: But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike.
Rick: No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food, and multiply. We could be infested with these things, so we gotta keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.
Mr. Poopybutthole: Oh wee, whatever you want Rick, we're here to help!
Rick: Thanks Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.
*theme song plays*
Rick: Alright, there's six of us and that's it. Me, Morty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, and Summer.
Mr. Poopybutthole: Maybe you got the first one in time Rick!
Rick: Can't afford to chance it.
(Rick presses a button on his watch, all doors and windows in the house are sealed off by blast shields)
Beth: Dad, why does our house have blast shields?
Rick: Trust me Beth you don't wanna know how many answers that question has.
Poopybutthole: Ooh, gosh, it feels claustrophobic! Reminds me of that time we all got stuck in the elevator together. Y-- remember that? After "the hulk" musical? (Flashback, Jerry grunting, muzak playing )
Beth: Jerry, buttons don't work better if you hit them harder, and foam fists don't make you strong.
Jerry: I know. Friends make you strong. I watched the same musical you did.
Rick: Why couldn't I bring my portal gun? (Morty winces )
Morty: Why did all the drinks have to be extra large? Oh, the hulk. I just got that.
Summer: Just pee your pants. I did it the minute we got stuck. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting, it's on purpose.
Poopybutthole: Oh, y'all, we're gonna be fine. I've always been here for you guys, and I always will be. ( chuckles )
Nicky: somebody call for repairs?
All: Yay! Cousin Nicky!
Nicky: It's me, cousin Nicky. I'm walkin' here! I mean, I'm not. I'm crouched in the elevator shaft, but hey, I'm walkin' here! ( laughter ) (Cut back to the present) It's true. We really do get into some crazy situations as a family, mostly when we're cooped up like this. Hey, maybe Mr. Poopypants is right. L-let's get some fresh air.
Morty: Come on, cousin Nicky. You heard Rick. We have to stay quarantined until we know that there's no more of these things.
Nicky: I hear you, Morty. Back in brooklyn, we got a sayin' -- "we're walkin' here!" ( laughter )
Jerry: Nicky! (Rick shoots Nicky in the shoulder, and he reverts back into a parasite)
Nicky: Oh! ( gasps ) ( groaning )
Morty: What the...? Cousin Nicky was a parasite?!
Rick: Six, Morty! There's supposed to be six of us! If there's seven, then that means somebody's not real.
Beth: But how did you know it was Nicky?
Rick: I guessed. That's why I aimed for his shoulder.
Beth: So we can't trust any of our memories now? Nicky was the reason we found that old nazi submarine. Did that not even happen?
Jerry: Well, of course it happened.
(Flashback, Morty, Rick, Jerry, Beth and Nicky are tied up, a Nazi stands before them)
Nazi: Now that I possess the mighty staff of Rah-gubaba, the world will tremble before the fourth reich!
Morty: This is the last time I ask you for help on my history final, Rick.
Nicky: Hey, we got a word for nazis back in Brooklyn, pal.
Nazi: I'm comfortable being called a nazi. You think there's some other word that will hurt my feelings? (Hits Nicky on the head) Yeah. Think before you talk shit. Rah-gubaba, help me kill america! (Mr. Beauregard knocks out the nazi)
All: Mr. Beauregard!
Mr. Beauregard: After due consideration, I have elected not to retire.
All: Yeah! Oh, thank god!
Mr. Beauregard: Now, I believe someone has a final exam to attend. Set a course for Morty's high school. (Return to the present) Perhaps I'm biased, but if that story never happened, then I wouldn't still be the family butler. ( chuckles ) dare to dream.
Summer: And if Mr. Beauregard wasn't our butler, it's safe to say the family'd be in a hell of a lot of trouble. ( laughter )
Rick: No! Don't flashback!
(Flashbacks, Jerry has his head stuck in the staircase railing)
Summer: You're just gonna make more swelling.
Beth: Don't worry, Jerry. Just relax. We called the fire department.
Jerry: You know they won't come here anymore. ( grunting ) (Mr. Beauregard pours marmalade on Jerry, all gasp )
Mr. Beauregard: Marmalade is served. (everybody cheers)
Frankenstein: I guess I take back what I said about British cuisine. ( laughter )
(Rick, Summer, and Mr. Beauregard are having a pillow fight)
Rick: Take that!
Sleepy Gary: We're trying to sleep.
(Morty is in the living room with Beth, Jerry, and Sleepy Gary)
Morty: I don't want to go to the dance alone.
Mr. Beauregard (Off-screen): Then perhaps, you shouldn't.
(Mr. Beauregard appears, in a dress)
Beth: Aww. Mr. Beauregard.
Mr. Beauregard: Shall we, master Morty?
Morty: We shall.
Beth: Oh, wait, don't leave without letting photography raptor take a picture. ( raptor screeches ) ( camera shutter clicks ) ( cut back to the present, laughter )
Rick: Everybody stop remembering! These parasites are like bed bugs, and every flashback is another mattress. Look! There's only supposed to be six people in this house.
But there's always been 10.
Rick: No! Uh, the fact that I wrote this number down means that there's four parasites.
Frankenstein: You sure about that, Rick?
Mr. Beauregard: Begging your pardon, master Rick, but I seem to recall a great deal of confusion surrounding that number.
Rick: All right, there's six of us, ( belches ) and that's it. Me, Morty, Jerry, Beth, Mr. Poopybutthole, Frankenstein, Sleepy Gary, Photography raptor, Mr. Beauregard, and Summer.
Beth: Uh, dad, that's like 10 people.
Rick: 6, 10, what's the difference? I just love the number 6 for no reason! Where's my pencil at?
Pencilvester: Right here, Rick! Use me!
Rick: Oh, thanks, Pencilvester! (writes the number 6 again) Yeah,I-I g-- I guess that is what happened, but I-I don't get why I would do that.
Pencilvester: Everybody makes mistakes, Rick. Why do you think I have one of these? ( laughter, camera shutter clicks )
Beth: That's it. Photos. Hard evidence. (Beth scrolls through photos, becomes suspicious) You're not in any of my photos, Mr. Poopybutthole.
Poopybutthole: Well, what do you know about this? You're not in any of mine.
Summer: All I have are pictures of me and my friends from school. (everybody else stares at Summer) What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're mormon or dying.
Frankenstein: I will admit it's suspicious that Summer's only friend is a magic ballerina lamb that we've never seen.
Summer: Tinkles! It's past my bedtime.
Tinkles: ( giggles ) Not in never past bedtime land! Here we go! ♪ Summer and Tinkles ♪ ♪ friends with each other ♪ ♪ living in never past bedtime land ♪ ♪ no kitchen sinkles ♪ ♪ no little brother ♪ ♪ going to raves and waving our hands ♪ (Rapper rapping ) ♪ Summer and tinkle, friends to the end ♪ ♪ group text the whole crew, my mother... Friends! ♪ ♪ ketchup to the salt, salt to the fry ♪ ♪ "t" to the "inkle" with a capital "I" ♪
(Scene cut's back to Summer's Bedroom, revealing that she was only dreaming)
Summer: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Gary: Summer, we're trying to sleep.
Summer: It was Tinkles! Tinkes?
(Cut back to the present)
Rick: That is su-- [belches] -- suspicious. We're always hearing about this Tinkles character, but we never get to –
Tinkles: Hi, everybody. I'm Tinkles, and these are my friends. ( all sigh )
Summer: See, everyone? Tinkles is real. That means so am I.
(Everyone except Rick apologizes to Summer)
Frankenstein: I was on the wrong side of the pitchfork on this one.
Jerry: Okay, look, we shouldn't need evidence or logic to know who's family and who isn't. I know who the Smiths are. I've known Beth since high school. And her husband, Sleepy Gary, is hands down my absolute best friend.
Sleepy Gary: Thanks, Jerry. Beyond that, no offense to any of you, but all bets are off.
Rick: Look, I'm not used to being this unsure for this long. I'm just gonna aim for shoulders starting with the weird girl. (Tries to shoot Summer)
Summer: Aah! Grandpa Rick!
Rick: Hold still, "Summer."
Gary: Rick, that is my daughter.
Rick: Oh, yeah? Well, what if you just think that, Sleepy Gary? I've known you for 15 years. Don't make me hurt you.
Sleepy Gary: Rick, these are our family and friends, the people we barbecue with. Have you forgotten the barbecue?
Rick: Wait, why would you want me to -- You're one of them, aren't you?
Hamurai: Rick, you love those barbecues, Rick. You love them. Hai!
Amish Cyborg: Remember it, Rick?
Rick: Shut up, Hamurai! Shut up, Amish Cyborg! What is this? '90s Conan?
All: Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue. Remember the barbecue.
( chatter )
Rick: You know what, Pencilvester? It took me my whole life to realize it, but I love barbecuing.
Pencilvester: You're good at it, Rick.
Rick: Watch me, baby. I'm like tom cruise from, um, "cuisine" or w-whatever that movie's called where he makes drinks. Yeah, check me out. I'm like tom cruise from "cuisine." ( chuckles ) yeah. Is that what it's called? "cuisine"?
Pencilvester: Wow! Hey, everybody. Let's give it up for the grill master, Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! ( all chanting "Rick" )
Rick: Wait. (cut back to the present, breathing heavily ) Noooooo! Shoot. Now look. It's like a "Where's Waldo?" page. Can you find me? Check out all these zany characters. We'll be right back after these messages.
Sleepy Gary: I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields?
Rick: Can't do that, Sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me. I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. ( grunts )
Pencilvester: But Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff.
Rick: You guys, we got to hurry. I just got back from Walmart. They're selling Nintendo 3ds systems for $149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card. Brings the total price down to $110 after tax. Now, listen, we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones. Hurry! Hurry! Come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff.
(Cut back to the present)
Rick: Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that
Pencilvester: Don't overreact, Rick.
Jerry: Sleepy Gary, a word?
Sleepy Gary: Sure, Jerry. Rick, keep a level head, okay? 'Cause I'll tell you a secret about Frankenstein -- He's actually Frankenstein's monster.
(Rick looks at Frankenstein, Frankenstein pounds his fist)
Jerry: Sleepy Gary, m-my head is filled with memories of our friendship. I'm convinced that you're Beth's husband and I'm your friend, but if those memories can't be trusted, then...
Sleepy Gary: Jerry, just say it.
Jerry: Sleepy Gary, how do we know I'm real?
Sleepy Gary: Jesus, Jerry. No, you're real. Hey, look at me. Now, I don't know which way is up out there, but I know us, and you're real, Jerry. Remember our vacation?
Gary: They're filming that new "Star Wars" movie down the coast. Should we check it out?
Jerry: Sure. Why not? (Gary drinks, Jerry drops his bottle, both he and Gary reach for it)
Gary: Maybe we'll see Chewbacca.
Jerry: I'd like that. ( Kissing ) What are we doing?
(Cut back to the present)
Gerry: I don't give a damn what else happens out there. You and I are going to survive this.
Jerry: Okay. Hey, we agreed. Never in the house.
(Transit to the living room, Rick is pointing the gun at random people)
Frankenstein: That's a cool watch there, Rick. Can I check it out?
Rick: Uh, no thank -- ( grunts ) Okay. Trying to figure out how to lower the blast shields, huh? Anybody here think it's suspicious that a lot of people in here can't wait to get out of here?
Frankenstein: Ah, you're paranoid, Rick. You've been paranoid since 'nam.
Rick: So, what are you gonna do when you rotate back to the world, Frankenstein?
Frankenstein: Shi-i-i-i-t. I'mma bust a -- ( cut back to the present, Rick grunts )
Rick: No! Get out of my head, parasite! No! Drop it. Give me the gun, Frankenstein! ( indistinct shouting ) Give it back!
All: Yeah! ( applause ) Frankenstein!
Rick: ( breathing heavily ) Is anyone here even real? Am I the only real person on earth?!
Reverse Giraffe: Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, we're all real. You know me. I'm reverse giraffe. I have a short neck and legs. I went to college with Hamurai.
Reverse Giraffe: I saved Ghost In A Jar's life in Vietnam.
Ghost in a Jar: Boo rah!
Reverse Giraffe: And Beth, how many times have I been a shoulder for you to cry on?
Beth: ( sighs ) Too many.
Reverse Giraffe: Okay, so maybe we're just all fake.
Mrs. Refrigerator: That don't make no sense!
Reverse: Giraffe: Or maybe, there's only one deceiver here -- The person that keeps telling us the path to salvation is being held prisoner and mistrusting each other.
Rick: Hey, don't blame me! I tried to shoot Summer 10 minutes ago!
Reverse Giraffe: I know we all have beloved memories of Rick, but are we really supposed to believe that a mad scientist inventor with a flying car just showed up on our doorstep after being gone for years?
Morty: Yeah, you know, he does have a lot of really weird, made-up sounding catchphrases.
Rick: Wubba lubba dub dub! Ricky ticky tavi, beyotch! And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes. Hit the sack, jack. Uh-oh! Somersault jump. Aids! And that's why I always say shum shum shlippedy dop! Grassss tastes bad-ah. No jumpin' in the sewer. Burger time! Rubber baby baby bunkers! Lick, lick, lick my balls! ( laughs ) yeah! Say that all the time.
(cut back to the present) All: ( muttering ) That's a fake-ass catchphrase right there.
Beth: And don't forget his incredibly vague back story.
Rick: Beth, I'm your father!
Beth: Oh, are you, dad? Are you?
Morty: Rick, if you want to prove you're real, just do what any of the rest of us would do and -- and -- and open the blast shields and let us the hell out of here!
Rick: Why don't you make me, implausibly naive pubescent boy with an old Jewish comedy writer's name?
(Everybody is surprised)
Mrs. Refrigerator: In your face!
Morty: Give me the gun. (Looks at everyone else) I'm not doing this in front of Pencilvester. Bring him to the garage. ( all cheering ) All right, you listen to me, you son of a bitch parasite scum. We could either do this the easy way or the hard way. You know, y-y-y-- do you want to live? Then open the blast shield doors.
Rick: Shut up, Morty, you brainwashed, little turd that might not even be real because I'm brainwashed, too.
Morty: You know, Rick, this isn't easy for us. You know, w-we all remember you as a friend.
Rick: Oh, oh, oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny, little piece of shit, Morty!
Morty: Oh -- oh, yeah?
Rick: Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb, little ass and about six of them are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, mother[bleep] Pull the [bleep] trigger!
(Morty shoots Baby Wizard, Baby Wizard screeches )
Duck with Muscles: Oh, wow. Baby Wizard was a parasite? He set me up with my wife. (Morty shoots the duck, parasite screeches )
Rick: What the hell?
Morty: I figured it out, Rick! The parasites can only create pleasant memories. I know you're real because I have a ton of bad memories with you!
(Flashbacks of times where Rick left Morty in depair) ♪ these memories that we have ♪ ♪ these memories that we cherish ♪ ♪ I wish that we... can go back... to that time ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
(Cut back to the present)
Rick: Holy crap, Morty, you're right.
Morty: Is -- is -- isn't that what you were trying to make me understand by yelling at me?
Rick: Well, yeah, duh-doy. T-took you long enough. (Rick turns the dial on the washing machine, the wall draws back to reveal a set of guns)
Rick: Now let's go, Morty. We got a lot of friends and family to exterminate. ( grunts )
(Rick shoots a parasite, everybody else screams )
Morty: Everybody remain calm! This is gonna take some explaining.
Rick: We need to kill everyone that we can only remember fondly. Who's got a bad memory about Mrs. Refrigerator?
Mrs Refrigerator: I-I-I-I -- everyone has bad memories of me. You remember that one time? (flashback, Beth, Jerry, Mrs. Refrigerator and a lot of other people on a roller coaster, screaming, cut back to the present) Ooh, man, we couldn't stop screaming.
Beth: Uh, roller coasters aren't bad, Mrs. Refrigerator. They're thrilling. And you've been a perfect companion to me my entire life.
Mrs Refrigerator: The jig is up! ( whimpering ) get me out of here. Get me out of here! Aah! ( screeching ) ( all gasping ) Oh [bleep]
Rick: Everybody back! If you're not a parasite, you have nothing to fear. What about Summer?
Summer: Why am I always your go-to?
(Flashback, Morty is hosing the backyard, Summer grunts and kicks him in the crotch, Morty whimpers )
Summer: Never go in my room again.
Morty: I didn't! (Cut back to the present) She's real. She's my bitch of a sister.
Summer: Nice. (Flashback) Mom, are you driving me to --
Beth: Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yes. What time?
Summer: Oh, my god. Are you drunk?
Beth: ( belches ) Only My wife coach.
Summer: Your what? Oh! God! Oh. Oh, my gosh. Oh! God! Mom!
Beth: Sweetheart, are you okay? I didn't mean to --
Summer: I'm gonna have a bruise! It's picture day!
Beth: It's not, don't overreact. I can clean it up.
Summer: ( sobs ) I want the police to take me!
(Cut back to the present)
Summer: Morty, give a gun to the lady that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem.
Beth: Thank you, sweetie.
Cross Teddy Bear: Beth, Beth, please!
Beth: I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys. (shoots the bear, parasite screeches ) ( guns cock ) ( screaming ) ( blasting ) ( screeching )
Rick: (Corners Pencilvester) Come on, man. Haven't we ever had an uncomfortable silence or an awkward fart on a road trip? Come on, Pencilvester. Give me anything.
Pencilvester: Rick, I'm Pencilvester. Listen to that name. You can't kill me.
Rick: You're right. (To Morty) Kill Pencilvester.
(Morty shoots Pencilvester, parasite screeches ) (Summer shoots Frankenstein, parasite screeches ) (Summer shooting, parasites screeching )
Tinkles: Summer, I've always loved you!
Summer: Yep. (Shoots Tinkles, parasite screeches ) ( all gasp, Summer shoots ) ( more screeching ) (Morty shouts)
(Flashback, Summer walks into the kitchen and turns on the light, and sees Morty masturbating)
Summer: Oh, my god!
Morty: I-I-I thought you went to a concert!
Summer: We forgot the tickets! Why in the kitchen?!
Morty: I do it everywhere! Stop shaming me!
Summer: You're not the victim here!
Morty: I hate you, and I was thinking about your friend Grace!
Summer: Aaaaaah! (cut back to the present, more shooting, parasites screeching )
Mr. Beauregard: Ah. Master Rick. Remember when you weren't going to shoot me? (Rick shoots Mr. Beauregard, parasite screeches )
Rick: I guess I did the butler! Ha ha! Does -- d-does that scan?
Ghost in a Jar: Oh, I-I get it. It's a play on "the butler did it."
Rick: Thanks, ghost in a jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy. (shoots ghost in a jar, parasite screeches ) ( screeches )
Jerry: You got to hide me, Sleepy Gary.
Sleepy Gary: Don't worry. I have a plan. If we can get to my boat, there's a -- (Beth shoots Sleepy Gary, Gary slowly turns back into a parasite, screeches )
Jerry: No. No! Send me to Gary. I want to be with Gary. (Flashback, Jerry is running away from a hobo)
Beth: Whoa. What the hell?
Jerry: Look out for that homeless guy!
Beth: Open the door! Open the door! Open the door!
Jerry: There isn't time! Just run!
Beth: ( grunts ) Get out here and help me!
Jerry: They say you shouldn't do that! Just run!
(Cut back to the present)
Beth: Ugh. Sorry, Jerry. You're real.
Jerry: ( crying ) I'm a parasite!
Beth: Yeah, but you're real.
Jerry: (tries to kiss Beth)
Beth: Uh, uh, I need time to forget about Sleepy Gary.
Jerry: Me, too. ( Rick opens the blast shields )
Rick: From now on, let's all be careful to wash our hands when we get back from outer space. That goes for everyone.
Jerry: This is depressing. We killed every good person in the house. We're what's left? What a family.
Rick: At least we're real, Jerry. We're real. Ricky ticky tavi!
Mr. Poopybutthole: Ooh, whee! Amen to that. Now, this little poopypants is hungry. Will somebody pass me a pork chop? ( chomping )
Mr. Poopybutthole: Huh. I-is -- is something wrong, Beth? (Beth shoots Mr. Poopybutthole) Ow! ( screams ) oh, my god!
Rick: No, Beth! Oh [bleep]
Beth: Wait, but I --
Mr. Poopybutthole: Oh, Beth! Why?!
Jerry: I need an ambulance! There's been a shooting. My wife shot... Uh, my -- my wife shot a long-time family friend.
Mr. Poopybutthole: Why?
Summer: Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, Mr. Poopybutthole.
Beth: I-I thought --
Morty: Keep breathing!
Mr. Poopybutthole: Oh, god. What's happening?
Morty: Look at me! Look at me! Don't -- don't fall asleep!
Poopybutthole: Is -- is this what bleeding to death is? Oh, whee. Is this how I die?
Rick: Oh, geez! Oh, my god!
Mr. Poopybutthole: Why would you do this? Beth. It's not supposed to hurt. I-I thought... ( siren wails ) Ooh, whee.
Beth: Oh, he -- he's looking a lot better.
Rick: Listen, Beth, don't torture yourself. I made a similar mistake years ago, but, you know, on a planetary scale.
Beth: Is, um, is he mad at me?
Rick: He's not pressing charges. I mean, that's got to be the "you shot me" equivalent of not being mad.
(Doctor steps out of the room)
Beth: Can he have visitors?
Doctor: He'd like to be alone. He told me to tell you he's sorry you didn't have bad memories of him? If you love him, you should leave. ( door closes )
(Smith family walks out of the hospital)
Rick: (Smiles) And that's the wa-a-a-a-y the news goes.